Butt Sparkles
by scythe's serenade
Summary: Lucy takes a job. Lucy bumps into Mystogan. Mystogan waves his arms around and gold sparkles shoot out from his rear. Crack-ish, in the most serious sense. No pairings(?)
1. (1) Peppermint Tea

A/N: Hello. Procrastination musings. Updates erratically, around 2AM. Welcome!

(1) Peppermint Tea w/ 10 seconds of honey

About a half a day into this job to nowhere, Lucy started to think she was regretting her decision. Who the hell lived in the middle of the forest, but still had a proper address?!

First, the train she'd used up most of her money on stopped mid-way during the journey. In the middle of the wrong forest. She called Plue to commiserate with as the conductor rattled off emergency procedure, but her dog spirit wasn't forthcoming as to what she should do. Lucy weighed her options. She could cut her losses, start the trudge home and maybe make it back before nightfall. But the reward promised a silver celestial key, and as a good celestial mage, who was she to pass one up? Also, it wasn't very Fairytale-like to give up on a job. Hell, even when Happy stared death in the face he didn't give up. So, Lucy gathered her wits, hopped out of the train, and began the rather… long... walk.

The sun was stooping low onto the horizon and temperatures were dropping in the forest. The mountain was slightly… Slightly! Closer than when she'd left the train. Lucy dropped her back with a loud groan. She pulled out the sleeping bag that she'd purchased on her last mission with Team Natsu and began to set up for the night. She grabbed some firewood from the surroundings, and- wait, what the hell, was that tree… glowing?

Dropping the bouquet of firewood, Lucy whipped her head to her surroundings. The trees had indeed started glowing, ambient gold flecks of light rising from the ground. That wasn't all- someone was yelling. Really loudly. Really, really, loudly. This was another one of those life-decision thingies. She could run away from the possibly escalating situation and not cause very expensive property damage, or she could help out some poor person being terrorized by weird gold-glowing magical forest beasts and make late-rent causing property damage.

Damnit, property damage it was. And she wanted to go shopping for some new clothes this week too!

Running in the direction of the noises with keys in hand, Lucy noticed that the intensity of the glow was getting stronger and stronger until it was nearly blinding.

In the middle of another clearing, a masked man was kneeling in the middle of the largest freaking magic circle Lucy'd ever seen. His fist was to the ground, and eight staffs with weird tops pointed vertically into the ground around him-

Well, shit, that's Jellal.

"Jellal!" Lucy called, bracing herself. The ground began shaking violently, and cracks were forming in the earth. The man in question's voice only intensified, clearly not hearing her. Where was the rest of Crime Sorcerie? Weren't they on another continent trying to take down Zeref? What on earth was he doing?

Thinking quickly, Lucy summoned Virgo before she was blown away by the sheer amount of magical power pouring from the surrounding area.

"Hello, Princess. Punish me today?" Virgo greeted in her usual deadpan, dutifully holding Lucy's skirt from being blown up by the resulting wind.

"Not now Virgo! We need to get through to Jellal! He's gonna level the entire forest!"

"As you wish." After pulling safety shorts onto Lucy's legs under her skirt, Virgo threw herself at their crazy friend.

She never made it though, because Jelllal's gigantic magic circle activated. Thrown backwards by the blast, Lucy was out as soon as her head collided with the tree behind her.

Well, at least her panties weren't showing.

A/N: If you were wondering, safety shorts are shorts worn under a skirt so if in case a magic circle blows your skirt up, the sacred color of your panties won't be exposed to prying eyes. Buy a pair from Virgo's How To Care For A Scantily-Clad Celestial Mage Shop online now! Leave a review on your way out?


	2. (2) Sakura Green Tea

(2) Sakura Green Tea, 4 seconds of honey

"Ah, shit! No! Bad mystical shiny thing! Stop! Ah, godamnit I command you to stop!"

Lucy hated noise. " _Ah, it's probably just Natsu and Happy,"_ she thought, rolled over, and swatted whatever started to crawl over her stomach to the floor next to her bed. It was most likely Happy. She'd apologize later with some fish from the market, but what did a girl have to do to get some sleep? After that super long walk home yesterday, she deserved it.

 _Wait a second,_ she never went home, she went after that stupid key!

Bolting up, her blurry eyes focused on the worried face of Jellal, catching her back as pain spasmed through the muscles. She blinked to focus. And on Jellal's shoulder, a content looking gold monster blinked back at her.

"AAAHHHHH What-what-what what is that?!"

"Ah, Lucy you're awake! Hey- don't eat my hair!" The gold monster latched itself onto Jellal's head and began satisfying itself. Lucy backed away behind the nearest tree for good measure. Having sufficiently removed the golden hair-eater, no bigger than his palm, he dangled it in the air by his index and thumb.

"I found it! The secret to defeating Zeref!" He grinned manically, now missing a baseball-sized patch of hair from the middle of his head.

"It's so freaking TINY!"

Letting Jellal struggle a bit more with the tiny monster as it then attempted to chomp off the hand holding it, Lucy took a second to inspect her wounds. Nothing too bad- some scratches here and there and a nasty bump on her head, but nothing life-threatening. Jellal patched her up while she was out, it seems. She would've been more miffed that he'd seen her naked, but unfortunately indifference to nudity was a side-effect to being friends with Gray Fullbuster. Reaching down to her waist, Lucy was pleased to find her keys secured to her belt, which pulsed warmly as she ran her fingers over them.

With a mighty shout, Jellal imprisoned the little nuisance into a magic prison on the ground. It struggled a little bit, growling and all, before it settled. Out of breath, he turned back to Lucy.

"It's totally going to work! Can't you see how powerful it is?"

"Jellal, I'm going to tell Erza if and when we get out of the hellhole that is this forest that Meredy fed you one too many peppers during the Grand Magic Games." She stepped closer to the little cage holding the demon, and _damn it was small._ It was an odd little gold creature with large black and beady eyes, a lack of arms and legs, and a pouf of feathers in a pom-pom fashion jutting out of its back. Not to mention razor sharp teeth. Lots of those. As it flitted around its little cage, a trail of gold sparkles seemed to fall out from its pouf of feathers as it went.

If it hadn't tried to eat Jellal twice, Lucy would've thought it adorable.

"I'm serious! Crime Sorcerie found this ancient library a few months ago, and there was an entire section studying this demon. The locals of this village worshipped it as their deity. It's a chuppy-wuppy, and they have the power to "defeat the darkness"." The former magic saint looked dead serious, but watching the little thing make tinkling noise as the sparkles continued to pile up in it's cage, Lucy couldn't contain itself.

"That?! That supposed to defeat Zeref?!" Tears were streaming from her eyes as she laughed. The chuppy-wuppy blinked at her, almost as if in agreement, and that only made her laughter worse. Jellal was unamused.

"I'm serious Lucy! I found a real lead here!" It was his turn to glare at the chuppy-wuppy, who blinked and continued to sparkle some more.

Wiping her tears with the back of her hand, she looked at him accusingly. "Really? And if it was really powerful, where's the rest of Crime Sorcerie? Wouldn't they all want to be here when the GREAT and POWERFUL chuppy-wuppy comes and saves Earthland?"

Jellal got all quiet, and mumbled something unintelligible. "Hm? What was that?" Lucy pressed, smirk growing as she rubbed her shoulder into his. "Cobra got your tongue?"

"They didn't think it was real." He says into his palms, dejected. This thew Lucy into a harder laughing fit, rolling on the grass as Jellal brooded into his palms.

The chuppy-wuppy blinked three times; first at Jellal, second at Lucy, and last at a mountain in the distance.

The mountain in the distance exploded with a lovely flourish of golden sparkles.

A/N: I said it'd be crack, and I intend to deliver on that promise. Leave a review?


End file.
